REVAMPED (2007)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *comedy*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *metaphysical*

I have no idea how Jeff Rector, the star/director/writer of this vampire comedy, contrived to cast so many familiar faces in REVAMPED. I fantasize, however, that he invited them all to a big soiree, revealed his plans for a vampire flick, and did an Oprah: "And YOU get a role! And YOU get a role..."

Possibly Rector thought the film would do better in video rentals/sales the more actors, "name" and otherwise, were in the film, and for that reason he took what starts as a simple notion and then let it get completely out of control. In essence, only about three characters have any definable arcs:

Businessman Richard Clarke (Rector), contemplates suicide after learning of his wife's infidelity. However, he sees a vampire ad on TV, offering surcease from sorrow if the customer agrees to become one of the undead. Clarke accepts, becomes a vamp, and then gets embroiled in vamp politics.

Driven Jake Hardcastle (Sam J. Jones) wants to kill every bloodsucker in existence. Years ago some unknown vampire turned Hardcastle's wife and teen-aged daughter into undead minions. They tried to kill him, forcing the aggrieved cop to kill them instead.

Fanatic Vladimus (Billy Drago), who wants to read a mystic ritual and sacrifice a virgin so that Bad Stuff Will Happen.

Instead of writing a simple formula tale that pitted these three principals against one another, with only incidental involvement by support-cast, Rector's script wastes a lot of time building up support-cast people who really have little impact on the basic story. I don't KNOW that he did this to include more name actors, but most of the rest of the performers have next to nothing to do beyond burning up running-time. Fred Williamson, Anne Lockhart, Martin Kove, Tane McClure, Reggie Bannister, Vernon Wells-- I'm sure none of them minded the paychecks. But I bet any viewers felt cheated when they saw all these familiar faces playing utterly dispensable roles.

Clarke, like other characters, gets a few action-scenes, though nothing all that demanding, so I guess REVAMPED counts as a combative comedy, though it's barely ever funny. The oddest throwaway scene comes with Anne Lockhart. In real life she's almost seventy years old, but she's been made up to look much younger. She's presented as a character who might have the hots for Clarke, but all she ends up doing in the confused story is betraying the "good vamps" to the "bad vamps." Then her character is unceremoniously slain by a bad vamp, with the odd assertion, "No one over thirty joins our pack," or words to that effect. It's certainly "funny strange," but-- not "funny ha ha."