LEGION OF IRON (1990)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

At least one imdb review wondered why LEGION OF IRON is not better known among enthusiasts of bad cinema. And therein may lie the film's only real relevance: that even a film that's "so bad it's good" has to have something about it that strikes audiences as a misbegotten response to something they might normally appreciate. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE may work for viewers because the audience is aware of good alien-invasion films like 1953's THE WAR OF THE WORLDS.

LEGION's concept is as preposterous as anything in an Ed Wood movie, but it doesn't have a chance of coat-tailing on any better films. At the outset, two high-school students-- football star Billy (Kevin T. Walsh) and his girlfriend Allison (Camille Carrigan)-- are abducted and transported to a bizarre underground civilization which combines aspects of ancient Roman arenas with modern ideas of fight clubs. No rationale for the setup of this weird city are offered, nor does reigning queen Diana (Erika Nann) really explain why Billy was selected to be one of the gladiators pressed into service. (Allison is only brought along to use as a means to persuade Billy to obey the rules of the Roman Fight Club), LEGION's three writers don't even bother to come up with a name for the bizarre city.

Billy, though no more than a flat stereotype of a moralistic American kid, only reluctantly participates in the games-- and even then, only because Queen Diana comes up with a potent motivator, allowing one of the recent victors to have his choice of bed-partners. Billy is forced to watch Allison raped by muscleman Rex via closed circuit TV, and after that, the football player lusts to destroy the rapist. 

Diana, a Sadean princess of the first order, clearly hopes to convert the virtuous kid to her evil, but he lacks any training in mortal combat. Enter the hero's trainer, a Black guy named Lyle, who willingly trains Billy while assuring the youth that he too wants to win free of Diana's evil dominion.

Oddly, the writers of this non-epic keep Billy squeaky-clean, but Allison is for a time converted to the dark side. In one scene, Diana threatens to kill both of the newbies unless Allison beats Billy with a club, and she complies, albeit reluctantly. So far, not that bad. But then Diana somehow seduces Allison, presumably with Sapphic persuasions, so that for one scene Allison dresses and acts like a tart. This humiliation to Billy is furthered when he challenges Diana to a swordfight, and she easily trounces him. But she spares him for future corruption-- and a little whipping down the line as well-- not realizing that eventually Billy and his allies will bring the Queen's weird ancient-modern cult crashing down. 

Erika Nann gets the best lines, preaching her nihilistic philosophy of power, but the dialogue is still unmemorable, and she's not able to make the character come alive even to the extent that, say, Tor Johnson makes his dopey policeman perversely interesting. The other actors are at best adequate, which puts them a little above the players in a Ted V. Mikels film, but their characters are no better. I suppose the guy playing Lyle-- who calls himself "Black Superman" at one point-- embarrasses himself the least, but his character is gratuitously killed so that Billy and Allison (once more back to being a good girl) to escape their evil fate. The arena fight-scenes, presumably the department of four-time director Yakov Bentsvi, are competent, so in that respect LEGION is a little better than the "action" one sees in a Wood or Mikels film. But the film just doesn't invest enough energy in its own lunacy to deserve the "so bad it's good" tag.