GOLIATH AND THE SINS OF BABYLON (1963)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

I'll note in passing that one online review asserts that this was a better funded peplum that most films in the subgenre. That said, I still found that the SINS here were pretty dull.

The city of Babylon has a bad habit of demanding from vassal state Nefir thirty virgin females a year to sacrifice to their gods. Princess Rezzia (Jose Greci) would like to rebel against the evil practice, but she can't assume the throne of Nefir until she's married. However, Rezzia can only marry whoever defeats her in an arena-bound chariot-race. Wandering hero Goliath (originally "Maciste" and played by Mark Forest) takes exception to the sacrificial ritual and tosses around a few Babylonian soldiers. Some local members of a Babylonian resistance induct Goliath into their ranks, and eventually the rebels set Babylon on fire and depose its corrupt ruler.

There's so much emphasis on ordinary sword-battles (including one at sea) that there's barely any room for the usual muscleman feats of strength. There's an insidious death-trap, in which Goliath is chained to a table while numerous spears drop from the ceiling, either to hit him or torment him with near misses, but there's no big payoff to this. The best action-scene is that when Goliath goes to Nefir for whatever reason, he ends up racing Rezzia in the arena, and of course he wins. But it lacks dramatic impact because Rezzia's in love with another man, so Goliath bows out and-- I guess everyone's just okay with her marrying the guy who didn't win? There's some novelty to seeing a female character race a chariot, and I wondered if the script took a little inspiration from the Atalanta myth, in which an athletic woman races men trying to claim her hand in marriage. But if there's no real consequence to the chariot-race, so what?

The best thing in the movie might be Fabrizio, playing a comic relief midget. For a true rarity, the little hero even gets a bride his own size at movie's end.

GUARDS OF SHAOLIN (1984)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

Just as this streaming flick was coming to an end, and I was thinking the film's alternate title NINJA VS. SHAOLIN GUARD was thoroughly unjustified, the four Shaolin monk heroes get attacked by a bunch of black-masked, black-clad fighters who throw shurikens and some sort of fiery powder. Still, the emphasis of the story (such as it is) is clearly upon the four stalwarts, not their enemies, so I'll go with the streaming title,

The GUARDS-- billed as First Brother (Alexander Lo Rei), Second Brother, Third Brother, and Fourth Brother-- are charged by the dying abbot of their temple to take a "Golden Sutra" to another temple. The abbot was killed by another monk at the temple, addressed as "Uncle" (though probably none of these characters are related to one another). The method of his death is one of the few things that stand out about this Taiwanese-South Korean chopsocky: Uncle's minions attack the abbot, and one of them, a woman in drag (Jin Nu-Ri), bares her tattooed breast, distracting the monk and causing his death.

The four monks head out on their journey, but with the exception of Fourth Brother, the comedy relief, they're all but identical. Ah Mei, Fourth Brother's girl-cousin from his former village, happens across them and invites them to her father's estate. However, Uncle's minions, who theoretically ought to be pursuing the four guardians, somehow decide to run ahead of the heroes and attack Ah Mei's home, killing her dad and all his retainers. This makes the young woman embittered against the Brothers, which is a pain for Fourth Brother, who harbors a desire to marry her. However, the girl has nowhere else to go and continues with the heroes on their trek.

The rest of the film is just one attack after another, including a pointless encounter with some very solid ghosts (or maybe zombies) who pop out of their coffins and menace the stalwarts. Up until the final confrontation between First Brother and Uncle, only one battle stands out: when one of the bros has a nice fight with a female opponent, possibly the same one who did the "boob-fu" earlier. This fight may have confused the streaming reviewer, since he wrote that the monks were joined by a "female fighter"-- and Uncle's minion is the only kung-fu honey, since Ah Mei can't fight. One reviewer said that Ah Mei falls for First Brother, but the film didn't bother developing the romance-angle after bringing it up in the first place. GUARDS is not the worst of the worst, but it's pretty unremarkable.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS: SEASON SIX (2000-2001)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *cosmological, metaphysical, psychological, sociological*

The final season of XENA, while keeping up a decent level of quality, becomes rather rootless in its more up-for-grabs mythology. I'd have to say that, if the main point of Seasons Five and Six was to give Xena's daughter her own quasi-Christian place in the Xenaverse, the show-runners flopped in that endeavor, and it didn't help things that the time-jump mitigated against using any of the mortal personages from the defunct HERCULES show. Like Nietzsche, who gets some play once again, they killed the gods and had nothing to put in their place.

COMING HOME (F)-- The writers don't bother to explain how Xena, Gabrielle, Ares and Eve get back to Earth from Olympus; fan-commentary attributes their transition to help from surviving god Aphrodite. Wherever they end up, some time evidently passes, for the three females are on their own with no comment about the disposition of Ares, who sacrificed his godhood to save the women, due to his investment in Xena. Then the heroines are summoned to Amazon territory to help the tribe repel an invading force. The big catch is that the invaders are under the command of mortal Ares, pretending that he's still a war-god. He's also being manipulated by the Furies, who desire both to become the new gods of the world and to avenge the slaughter of the old. A further complication is that one of the Amazons recognizes Eve as the former Livia, who slaughtered many of the warrior-women for Rome. In addition to keeping Eve safe, Xena must find a way to stop Ares without killing him. Her method of doing this, and of slaying the Furies with her god-killing power, is pretty far-fetched even for the Xenaverse. But Xena's bare-knuckle brawl with Ares is fun, as are her conflicted feelings about the former war-god.

THE HAUNTING OF AMPHIPOLIS (P)-- For the first time since being time-jumped, Xena and Gabrielle, accompanied by Eve once again, seek out Xena's home town, to see what's become of the locals and of Xena's mother Cyrene. The city's become a ghost town, and a surviving local claims that everything in Amphipolis became cursed by evil magic. For some reason the townsfolk accused Cyrene and executed her, but with no result. In the clouds above Michael and Raphael, two of the angels encountered by the heroines in FALLEN ANGEL, survey all that happens but vouchsafe no advice. After many encounters of the spooky kind, Xena learns that the source of the evil magic is Mephistopheles, whom none of the heroines have known about except indirectly, through his influence upon Callisto in IDES OF MARCH. He's apparently chosen to victimize Amphipolis not only to revenge himself on Xena but also to create some sort of beachhead for a war on Heaven. The demon, not content with also possessing Gabrielle, tells Xena she can't kill him without taking his place in Hell. Xena kills him anyway, but in the next episode she finds a way around her dilemma. Cyrene stays dead.

HEART OF DARKNESS (F)-- For a pagan Greek who barely knows anything more than the basics about the Jude0-Christian mythos, Xena seems to have some advanced research in order to figure out how to con a prideful angel-- that is, Lucifer himself-- into taking her place as the ruler of hell. Superficial though the myth-making is, it is fun to see Xena pulling one of her "long cons," seducing Lucifer into committing the seven deadly sins so that he'll be consigned to the throne of Hell. Eve registers a meager protest against using evil to escape evil, and Virgil, absent in the previous two episodes, is worked into the story to no great purpose.

WHO'S GURKHAN? (F)-- As if to make up for Season Four's horrendous TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, this episode successfully interbreeds Xena's peplum adventure with a detective story. Xena, Gabrielle, Eve and Virgil visit Gabrielle's home town. They meet Gabrielle's sister Lillah and learn that eight years previous, Gabrielle's niece Sarah (whom of course Gabrielle's never met) was carried off by the slave-traders of a mysterious, rarely-seen warlord, Gurkhan. The slavers also slew Gabrielle's mother and father, so the usually peaceful heroine wants vengeance, and Xena guarantees to give her the opportunity. Eve is sidelined while Xena and Virgil arrange for Xena to be sold as a "harem wife" to Gurkhan. Gabrielle horns in against Xena's advice, and the two heroines must discern the identities of both Gurkhan and Sarah while figuring out a way to liberate the female slaves. Gabrielle can't take the warlord's life in cold blood but Xena arranges for his death through a trick. Sarah and Lillah are presumably re-united but not seen again.

LEGACY (F)-- Maybe Eve and Virgil escort Sarah back to Greece, because X and G are still hanging around North Africa for no particular reason. They rescue a band of nomads from a raider-attack, and the leader of the nomads, the chieftainess Karina, doesn't believe the heroines when they give their names. X and G learn that in the past 25 years they've become legendary figures thanks to the good press of Gabrielle's scrolls. Once the nomads are convinced, they welcome the heroines into their camp, and also reveal that the various quasi-Arab tribes are being menaced by invading Romans. Just as the episode seems to be shaping up to one more "Beat the Romans" routine, Gabrielle accidentally slays the innocent son of a nomad chieftain, and all of the nomads want her head. Naturally, Xena manages to channel all that anger against the Roman incursion. While neither LEGACY or the previous North African episode are outstanding as stories, the costume department excels in capturing the exoticism of the Middle East.

THE ABYSS (G)-- Like THE PRICE, this episode is something of a "defense of the ways of war." Xena and Gabrielle are back in Greece and have somehow hooked up once more with Virgil. They get waylaid by the Djindar, a made-up tribe of white cannibals, and like the Horde in the original PRICE episode this tribe seems utterly devoid of humanity. Both Virgil and Gabrielle are captured to become entrees, and Gabrielle is explicitly undone because she second-guesses her moves after killing an innocent in LEGACY. Xena manages to wipe out most or all of the whole tribe, which is rather refreshing in light of the reformation of the Horde's rapacity. Virgil survives but gets written out of the mythos.

THE RHEINGOLD/THE RING/ THE RETURN OF THE VALKYRIE (P)-- Apparently the extirpation of the Greek gods moved the writers to go poaching on Nordic preserves, but with dire results. This three-parter cudgels together aspects of two unrelated epics, BEOWULF and THE NIBELUNGENLIED, and on top of that it's also another, "Current Xena must undo the acts of Bad Past Xena." Modern Xena tries to leave Gabrielle out of Beowulf's summons to the Far North, where Bad Past Xena created a monster called Grendel from the spirit of a good Valkyrie. Apparently after Bad Xena's adventures in Chin, but before she united again with Borias and conceived Solan, the evil warrior princess rode into the Northern lands and met Odin, hanging himself on a tree due to his Schopenhaurean despair. Xena gives the King of the Norse Gods a kind of "Spake Zarathustra" rap and he recruits her for his valkyries. Covetous Xena steals the Rheingold and forges it into a ring, able to grant great power, but only to those who renounce love. Past-Xena is forced to leave the Ring on the finger of the monster Grendel, and then Present-Xena is summoned to keep the ring's power from falling into the hands of Odin, now turned into a corrupt Nietzschean. Oh, and when Gabrielle follows Xena, the young heroine befriends a Norsewoman named Brunnhilda, but Brunnhilda wants to be more than just friends. Gabrielle is put into the position of the Brunhild of the NIBELUNGENLIED, where she's surrounded by protective flames-- but it's not no scuzzy MALE champion who releases Gabby from durance vile. Messy though the scenario is, Xena does undo her past evil and doesn't bring about any "twilight of the gods" with the Norse deity best known for the story.

OLD ARES HAD A FARM (F)-- Stop me if you've heard this one, but Xena and Gabrielle walk into a bar, and-- beat up on everyone there. Of course, all the occupants are cutthroats in the service of warlord Gasgar, all united to collect a bounty on the head of now-mortal Ares. X and G take him to an abandoned farmhouse where Xena's family once lived, near a town called Ipeiros, nowhere near Amphipolis. The ladies help Ares fix up the run-down place, which allows the three performers to put aside sword-and-sorcery for something akin to a Li'l Abner routine. The menace of the warlords is resolved with barely any violence at all, and Ares remains on the farm in the end, though he appears in other, more martial episodes later. A fair amount of the comedy is repetitive but I rate the "bed scene" as one of the ten best comic scenes on the show.

DANGEROUS PREY (F)-- Former Amazon Marga is slain by soldiers in the service of warlord Morloch, who's something of a "Most Dangerous Game" fan who likes to hunt human prey Xena and Gabrielle seek to organize the Amazons against their enemy, but Xena literally has to put the contentious Varia on a short leash. Xena and Varia end up being hunted by Morloch, who captures Varia and places her in a death-trap broadly similar to the one in CALLISTO. Morloch's one of the few male foes able to go toe-to-toe with Xena, so the way she defeats him is a slight surprise. Gabrielle hardly has anything to do here.

THE GOD YOU KNOW (F)-- X and G journey to Rome, informed that Xena's daughter Eve has been defying the current Roman emperor, the lubricious Caligula. But the heroines have been preceded by Ares. He reveals that his sister Aphrodite, unbalanced by the end of the cosmic force of "war," has fallen under Caligula's thrall, and that he may for some reason be able to siphon the godhood out of her. Xena is encouraged by the angel Michael to use her god-killing power to slay Caligula, but she must also figure out some way to liberate Aphrodite. However, Xena doesn't move fast enough to suit Michael, who moves to slay Aphrodite so that she won't make Caligula a full god and thus interfere with the spread of the Eli religion. Xena stops Michael and almost kills him, but the power of Eli removes Xena's god-killing power and Michael disappears. Still, Eli's mission is imperiled because Caligula completes his godhood-sapping, so that he becomes a god and Aphrodite becomes mortal (though she regains her memory). Xena, this time with no help from Heaven, must find a way to slay Caligula, less for the Eli-cult and more to preserve Eve's life. It's a lively episode but undermined by confused plotting.

YOU ARE THERE (F)-- Though this is mostly a comedy episode-- as well as the one that most overtly broaches the subtext question-- it's not nearly as silly as most funny XENA episodes. TV reporter Nigel and his unseen cameraman appear, with no fear whatever of anachronism, in Xena's world, and some scenes even depict Nigel's guests in a TV studio being interviewed. Nigel has heard rumors that Xena is planning to attack Odin to obtain the Golden Apples of Immortality, and the reporter seeks to find out why, theorizing that she hopes to return Ares to Olympus and to reign at his side. Xena won't reveal her plans, and Nigel pursues other interviewees with his aggressive style, with some amusing results, as when peace-minded Eve ends up punching him out. Since it's germane to the general evolution of the storylines, I'll give the game away: Xena does get an immortality-apple and re-god Ares-- but she does the same for Aphrodite, because the forces of love and war must have cosmic incarnations in order to spread their influence to mortals. 

PATH OF VENGEANCE (F)-- No good deed goes unpunished. Though the season started with mortal Ares making war on the Amazons, his first move upon regaining his godhood is to beguile the women warriors into becoming his new pawns, launching an offensive against Rome. But the new emperor (not named, though implicitly Claudius) has liberalized his treatment of the Eli-cult, which may signal a shift in the Xenaverse in the real world's transformation of pagan Rome into a Christian nation. On the emperor's order a Roman detachment escorts Eve to make peace with the Amazons. However, new queen Varia not only refuses peace thanks to the blandishments of Ares, she decides to try Eve for the murder of many Amazons, including Varia's sister. Gabrielle tries to challenge Varia's queendom in a big fight, but she loses, and that leaves it to Xena to sway Varia's vengeful heart and to foil Ares' plans. Eve ends her dubious career on the show by deciding to drop whatever progress she's made in Rome and begin proselytizing in Chin.

TO HELICON AND BACK (F)-- Call this one "the evil that gods do lives after them." Of the many gods Xena slew to protect Eve, one was Artemis, and now her half-mortal son Bellerophon (apparently not related to the guy who mastered Pegasus) is out for blood. His desire to kill Xena and Gabrielle is logical enough, but his main gambit is using a small army of masked men and fire-blasting catapults to attack the Amazons commanded by Varia. The script claims that Bellerophon got cheesed off because the warrior women deserted the worship of Artemis and so made it easier for Xena to kill the goddess-- which may be the flimsiest excuse the show ever devised. Since the enemy soldiers capture Varia, Gabrielle takes charge of a force to attack Bellerophon's fortress, but the Amazons are outgunned, and the resulting carnage provides the show's most harrowing images of war since the first season's IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE? There's a subplot about Varia being used as Bellerophon's catspaw, but it's insubstantial. Inevitably Xena faces off against Bellerophon, albeit reluctantly.

SEND IN THE CLONES (P)-- It's another one of those stupid clip-shows that no viewer anywhere misses. In 2001, three TV-watching nerds work with scientist Alexis (Clair Stansfield) to create and revive clones of both Xena and Gabrielle. They succeed, resulting in lots of nerd-jokes and "fish out of water" humor. The nerds want modern versions of Xena and Gabrielle to battle modern forms of evil, but Alexis, who is a new incarnation of Alti, just wants Xena to serve her in a 21st-century reign of evil. Only a lively hand-to-hand beween Xena and Alti-- usually seen battling with shaman-fu-- saves the episode from being as bad as ATHENS CITY ACADEMY.

LAST OF THE CENTAURS (F)-- Frankly, I hadn't seen the centaurs and Amazons together in a story for so long, I didn't remember how things were between the two tribes, nor what role Xena's old lover Borias played in the rapprochement with the two groups (though the viewer gets a belated summation late in the episode). But the ghost of deceased Amazon Ephiny beseeches the help of X and G to help her son, the Centaur Xenan, against the warlord Belach. Belach, it seems, is the now-grown son of Borias, and he hates centaurs partly because his father revered them. Bad Xena was partly responsible for Belach's negative opinion of Borias, since the warrior princess stole Belach's father from his mother. This is a nice little melodrama with a little less action than the average episode.

WHEN FATES COLLIDE (P)-- Though the Fates were perfectly willing to rewrite all of reality to benefit Xena in REMEMBER NOTHING, they don't like it so much when the shade of Julius Caesar escapes Tartarus (thanks in part to Xena having killed Hades) and redoes the loom of Fate for his own purposes. This time, the evil emperor doesn't betray Xena as he did in DESTINY, but he makes her his consort in Rome. Yet, apparently to hedge his bets, Caesar also makes common cause with Alti. But of course this playwright named Gabrielle comes mooching around. It's a pretty confused plot and of course everything goes back to the original cosmos, with no new insights into character or history. There's a small reward in that Ted Raimi gets to play a non-Joxer support character.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS (F)-- While X and G are on their way to Thebes to drop off the Helmet of Hermes-- no reference as to who gave the object to them or who they're giving it to-- Gabrielle wonders what kind of birthday gift she'll get from her warrior-BFF. The heroines interrupt a sacrificial ritual, in which "zealots" try to execute a young woman named Genia (possibly named for Classical sacrifice-victim Iphigenia). However, once liberated, Genia claims that no matter what the heroines do, she plans to sacrifice herself to her god. In order to dispel the young woman's foolish devotion, X and G take Genia to Aphrodite's temple, so she can see how superficial gods are. All four of them end up going to Thebes, and there the warlord Ferragus seeks to steal the Helmet, since it confers on its wearer the power to fly. The high points of this comedy episode are the jousting between X and G, though there's a "serious" meaning in terms of getting Genia to choose her own path.

SOUL POSSESSION (P)-- Since it's all about the modern-day Xena-cultists finding a lost Gabrielle-scroll, shouldn't they have called it "scroll possession?" Anyway, the new scroll purports to tell an interstitial story following Season 4's SIN TRADE, Xena is convinced by a vision that Gabrielle is still alive, and she tries to convince the mourning Joxer of this fact. But Xena doesn't know where to start looking, and Ares offers to find the supposedly living Gabrielle-- if Xena will marry him. Xena goes along with the charade, says the scroll, only to find out what Ares already knows about what happened to Gabrielle and Hope (who was carrying Ares' child). However, to gain that intel, Xena negotiates a deal where Ares must leave the two heroines in peace in the ancient world, but the scroll binds her to the war-god in a future life. Thus, back in the 21st century, Ares, still hanging around since being released in XENA SCROLLS, claims the binding scroll, but has to fight the current incarnation of Xena in the body of Harry. Ares switches the soul of Xena into the body of Alice, and that of course leads to his final defeat. It's the last of the silly-pants episodes, but is bearable for giving Ted Raimi one more outing.

A FRIEND IN NEED PTS 1-2 (F)-- I guess the show-runners must have felt they'd wrapped up all the extant plot-threads in the Xenaverse, because for the show's finale, they decided to remake THE DEBT. The remake substitutes some Japanese people who were done dirty by "Bad Xena," in between her part of the DEBT II narrative and her segment of ADVENTURES IN THE SIN TRADE, which begins with Bad Xena leaving the Far East for the Siberian North. Perhaps this "Bad Xena" has been softened by the influence of Lao Ma, even though the former has reunited with Borias to continue their depredations. Bad Xena attempts to ransom Akemi, a young Japanese noblewoman, but despite her mercenary motives, the would-be evildoer becomes enthralled by Akemi's graceful spirit. Akemi guides Xena into fighting a duel to acquire a magical katana which will later become important to the story.

"Current Xena" and her battling bard buddy are summoned to Japan by a monk trading on the name of the long deceased Akemi. Together the heroines save a burning city from the onslaught of a Japanese warlord. But Xena's saving of the city now doesn't erase her past actions.

Back to Bad Xena: on the way to the house of Akemi's father to collect a ransom, the persuasive young woman also talks Xena into teaching her the nerve pinch. When Akemi confronts her father Yodoshi, she kills him with the pinch in vengeance for various unspecified crimes. Then Akemi commits hari kari, forcing the reluctant warrior princess to finish Akemi off to end her suffering. However, the killing of Yodoshi makes his evil spirit into an angry ghost, and after Bad Xena accidentally sets the city on fire, the Yodoshi-ghost collects all the slain spirits and prevents them from going on to the afterlife.  

Good Xena's only way of battling Yodoshi is to let herself be slain, though with the plan of her mortal being revived in the nick of time. Xena's spirit meets that of Akemi on some astral plane controlled by the Yodoshi-ghost, and soon Xena also meets, and is humbled by, Yodoshi, though she only feigns to give in for good. Gabrielle and a ghost-hunter, Harukata, join Xena on the spirit plane but neither they nor Xena can slay Yodoshi. Before Harukata expires, he tells the heroes to prevent Yodoshi from accessing "the Fountain of Power." The good guys are not able to prevent the ghost-warrior from upping his power-level, and Yodoshi consumes the spirit-form of his rebellious daughter. But Gabrielle is able to get some of the fountain-water to Xena, so that she can fight and defeat Yodoshi on his level. The downside is that even though Xena frees the slain spirits from Yodoshi's gullet, she can't allow Gabrielle to resuscitate her body or the spirits won't be able to enter "a state of grace." So Xena sacrifices herself for this belatedly mentioned atrocity and Gabrielle vows to pursue the life of a warrior woman alone, with Xena still united to her in a spiritual sense.

The final XENA episode is colorful and action-packed, and the performances are typically soulful. But despite fair potential, Akemi and her evil father lack the symbolic resonance of their rough analogues from THE DEBT, Lao Ma and Ming Tien. And the make-work feel of the Japanese atrocity undermines the hypothetical sacrificial culmination of Xena's life.

Though my mythicity-ratings of the XENA episodes matter only to me, my argument that most seasons had on average four-five stories with strong myth-discourse demonstrates that the producers and writers had largely exhausted their creativity by Season Six. I may expound on a separate ARCHETYPAL ARCHIVE as to the overall significance of this fan-favorite (but critically overlooked) TV series.

BILLION DOLLAR THREAT

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *cosmological*

This may well be the most generic superspy movie anyone ever made.

I mean, when I reviewed ONCE UPON A SPY, which THREAT's writer Jimmy Sangster finished about a year after this similar TV-pilot, I could find a few fillips, however minor, that distinguished that superspy flick from all the others. But Sangster seems to have been trying to emulate every shopworn trope he could think of.

Superspy arrives at spy HG. Takes orders from stuffy supervisors. Gets spy-tech from a gaffer (admittedly played by a comely female). Investigates rumors of UFOs that may be connected to illegal activity. Meets the obvious villain, his tough enforcer, and his private army. Gets captured but is kept alive to serve as an emissary, which never happens. Manages to escape a death trap and destroy the villain's installation. Congratulates himself afterward with convenient babes.

The only routine trope not used here is that villain Horatio Black (Patrick MacNee) doesn't have any bad girls in his employ. The only tiny point of originality is that the urbane evildoers has two female guests, identical twins Holly and Ivy (Beth and Karen Specht), who are also the source of the only bearable humor in the flick. Dale Robinette, a good-looking but un-dynamic leading man, plays the agent, Robert Sands, whose name sounds like that of the protagonist for the slightly earlier BLACK SAMURAI. He spends most of the movie trading barbs with the villain and only has one climactic fight with enforcer Robert Tessier, who, whoop-de-do, has a metal hand. Oddly, actor Harold Sakata, who played one of the world's favorite enforcer-types as "Oddjob" in GOLDFINGER, has a small role as "Oriental Man" in THREAT.

Like Sangster, director Barry Shear had seen better days, including episodes of both MAN FROM UNCLE and GIRL FROM UNCLE. This one is for spy-completists only.

RETURN TO FROGTOWN (1993)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *cosmological*

This isn't a "return" to the same cosmos seen in 1987's HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN, but a reboot. There's still the same overriding conflict-- mutated frog-men vying with humans for control of a post-apocalyptic world-- but the characters of hero Sam Hell and his assistant Spangle-- so winningly played by Roddy Piper and Sandahl Bergman-- start over from scratch, essayed by Robert (MANIAC COP) Z'dar and Denice Duff. The characters are shown encountering one another for the first time, so this is clearly not a sequel, as some sources erroneously report.

In my review of HELL, I referenced director Donald G Jackson's final interview, which for my purposes contained two relevant items. One is that Jackson said he didn't favor as much sex in his stories as did his co-writer Randall Frakes-- and that explains why RETURN lacks any of the pleasing concupiscence found in HELL. The other item of interest was Jackson's interest in old serials, which explains why this version of Frogtown includes "Rocket Rangers" who are a pretty clear callback to the three "Rocketman" chapterplays of the classic era. 

There's nothing wrong with a creator who recognizes that he has more facility with fictional violence than with fictional sex. The problem is, Jackson showed no facility with either one. The stunt-work is appallingly bad, and not only from Z'dar and Duff, but also from costar Lou Ferrigno, who certainly had more than a little experience staging fight-scenes on the INCREDIBLE HULK series. Until re-viewing this nearly forgotten cheeseball production, I might've said that the worst movie to reference old serials was Fred Olen Ray's THE PHANTOM EMPIRE. But even that junkpile had one decent (if short) fight-scene in it. RETURN may've spent most of its budget on the faux-Rocketman suits briefly worn by Z'dar and Ferrigno, and some brief animated flying sequences, but there are no thrills present in either. Even the shabby costumes of the frog-men, amusing in the first film, are just pitiable here.

Despite having a jawline that Dick Tracy might envy, Z'dar was entirely out of his depth playing a stalwart hero, and clearly Jackson didn't know what to do with any of the seasoned pros in his employ, including Charles Napier, Don Stroud, Rhonda Shear and Brion James. As bad as Jackson's ROLLER BLADE films are, I think the Frogtown reboot is many times worse. There's a third film in the series which I'm not sure I've seen before, but I'm not sure I can survive another of these.

GODZILLA x KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE (2024)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *good*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *drama*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *cosmological, sociological*

When I reviewed GODZILLA VS. KONG, I remarked that I wouldn't have minded if the series ended there. To my surprise, EMPIRE is actually better, even though the conflict no longer focuses upon a "Clash of Franchise-Titans."

Two broad improvements: fewer inconsequential humans and more development of the Monsterverse. The 2021 film was all about establishing the boundaries of the Titans with regard to each other and to the human population. EMPIRE is about the formation of new societies out of the legacies of old ones. One will find no similar tropes in either the 1954 GODZILLA or the 1933 KONG. The first is about an apocalyptic beast  who almost devastates ordered society thanks to having assimilated the power of humanity's most apocalyptic weapon. The second is about the last vestiges of a primeval world surviving on the periphery of the civilized one, with the one doomed to die upon encountering the other. 

The medium for continuing an ancient legacy is EMPIRE's crossbreeding of GODZILLA '54's concept of a monster-filled under-earth with an even older sci-fi idea of the "primeval super-science culture." The 2021 movie fairly broadcast the likelihood that Kong would not truly be the last of his kind, so the revelation of a tribe of semi-intelligent giant apes in the Hollow Earth comes as no surprise. But the EMPIRE script-- which shares only one of the writers from 2021-- doubles down on the Big Reveals, for the under-earth also plays host to a tribe of telepaths with some sort of crystal-technology. 

Given their links to the moth-Titan Mothra, this vaguely Polynesian-looking tribe shares some literary genetics with the primitives of Infant Island in the Tohoverse. But the Hollow-Earth natives turn out to be distant relatives of the Iwe, the human occupants of Skull Island. The 2021 KONG wiped out the Iwe, except for sole survivor Jia (Kaylee Hottle), who was adopted by Titan-exert Ilene Andrews (Rebecca Hall). Jia's only significance is that she shares a psychic rapport with Kong in that they're both the only intelligent survivors of Skull Island. EMPIRE's script is far from subtle in showing the loneliness of both Kong and Jia, deprived of a society of common heritage. But at least Jia becomes a bit more sympathetic this time out, though of course the audience's main concern is for Kong. 

The natives initiate the action, sending forth a distress signal. This draws a exploratory team of humans to investigate, consisting of Ilene, Jia, comic-relief blogger Bernie (Brian Tyree Henry), and a new character, "monster-doctor" Trapper (Dan Stevens)-- oh, and a redshirt who gets killed early on. Godzilla also seems to sense something in the offing, since he devours a French nuclear plant to empower himself. Upon meeting with the proto-Iwe, the explorers learn that eons ago Godzilla confined the ancestors of the ape-tribe to Hollow-Earth, much as Kong self-exiled to that world to avoid trespassing on Godzilla's territory. Now the scurrilous simians, led by the malignant Skar King, have found a new access to the surface world, which they plan to conquer once more-- in part thanks to their having enslaved a dragon-like Titan that can breathe freezing gas. The only thing that can stop the rebellion of those damn, dirty apes is an alliance between Kong and Godzilla, and that's only possible if Jia can mind-meld with Mothra to broker a peace between the rival monsters.

To be sure, the main virtue of EMPIRE is that  returning director Adam Wingard and his FX team sell the audience on an endless series of battles between quarrelsome colossi (including a mini-Kong who has an occasional nasty edge, so that he's not repugnantly cute). But I like the fact that the script gives us a Hollow-Earth reflecting the two main phrases of the "lost world" trope: one where the lost world is inhabited by degenerate brutes, the other, by shining, though still fallible, angels in human form. 

Jia and Ilene are still flat characters, but this time the script gives them one interesting bit of business: Ilene fearing that her adoptive daughter will immediately run off to join her eons-old kindred. But Bernie and Trapper get all the clever lines because they're not confined to performing simple plot-functions. If there's a third film in the series, maybe the writers will manage to jettison all of the dullards.

THE REBEL BOXER (1972)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

This chopsocky is currently streaming with the title SA MU CHEN, which is the name of the heroine essayed by star Nancy Yen. Since that title isn't very catchy I'm substituting one of the English alternative titles, even though the "boxer" here is more a revenger than a rebel.

BOXER is a shot-back-to-back sequel to another film, FURIOUS SLAUGHTER, about a fellow named Yung, a folk-hero who opposes an evil band of criminals, the Axe Gang. (One guess as to the miscreants' favorite weapon.) At the end of SLAUGHTER, Yung is blinded by lye and killed. BOXER claims that he didn't get killed but went into hiding, though he still has to recover from the blinding. Miss Ma, Yung's sister, hears about Yung's supposed death and investigates, though her main profession is that of a doctor and her proficiency in martial arts is not explained (though possibly her brother taught her). The Axe Gang not only traps Ma, they lure forth her brother (played here by Jimmy Wang Yu). After lots of fighting, Ma devastates the Axe Gang, though her brother dies anyway.

This is one of the most straightforward chopsockies I've ever seen, with no side-characters and only one bit of comic byplay, wherein a nasty gangster tries to get lady doctor Ma to examine his nether regions. From what I can tell BOXER was one of Nancy Yen's first starring roles, though I know the actress only for support-cast performances. She handles the close-up, non-doubled fight-scenes quite well, and does nicely with one or two scenes in which she has to emote about her missing brother. Still, if the producers hoped to mold Yen into another kung-fu diva, BOXER was probably too mild a concoction to impress the HK audiences.

The Axe Gang enlists two outsiders to help fight Ma, one a swordsman and the other a monk with a peculiar but non-uncanny weapon: a short staff he uses as a club, with a human skull mounted on the end. The only uncanny weapons here are the chosen weapons of the Gang. There would be nothing weird if the villains simply carried around ordinary axes, as seen in depictions of Tong wars. But most of the gang use axes that are attached to the end of long chains, which they even use to "net" Ma in the scene shown above. I find it unlikely that any professional gang ever made use of axes on chains, which seem only a little less impractical than flying guillotines.

CAMELOT THE LEGEND (1998)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *comedy*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

Since I haven't reviewed any animated Arthurian stories except 1998's QUEST FOR CAMELOT, I decided to check out LEGEND, a low-budget quickie ground out the same year, allegedly to coast on QUEST's non-existent success. I don't doubt that this was the main motive for the movie's raison d'etre, but I will note that, even though LEGEND is a stupid story, it doesn't swipe anything from QUEST.

Quick setup: Arthur's son Modred has grown to manhood (and knighthood), and he plots against his kingly father, recently married to Queen Guinevere. Merlin can't do anything about Modred, since Arthur wants to believe his son loyal, but the wizard does imprison Modred's hoggish mother Morgan by magically sealing her in a cave for the past 20 years. The French knight Lancelot saves Arthur and Guinevere from a kidnap attempt masterminded by Modred, and though Lancelot doesn't say anything about wanting to serve Arthur, Arthur asks the Frenchman to join his retinue. But Lancelot's presence gives the evildoers a new angle to ruin Arthur's reign.

Despite the seriousness of the "Fall of Camelot" theme, this is a comedy, with dopey jokes, pratfalls (bo-oing!) and a couple of bad songs. The only halfway memorable "joke" is the image of Porky Morgan sitting around her cave watching the outside world via "sword-vision"-- that is, a magic sword that can broadcast images of current happenings on the wall of the cave. Morgan tries to expose both Lancelot and Guinevere to a love potion, but she messes up the scheme. By dumb luck Modred gets another chance to abduct the queen and brings her to Morgan's redoubt. Lancelot and Merlin dope things out and rescue Guinevere with a scheme that involves Merlin dressing up like a woman.

There are various low-energy "fights" that are clearly meant not to excite toddler-audiences. Lancelot duels a couple of ruffians in bloodless fashion, preferring to use his fists, and he even teaches Guinevere some elementary sword-tricks. Merlin and Morgan have a short "changing forms" fight a la THE SWORD IN THE STONE. Though Guinevere is liberated, Arthur gets the wrong idea seeing her in Lancelot's company. Modred tries to rouse other knights to deem Guinevere guilty of treason, as per the standard "Fall of Camelot" schema. But somehow Arthur and Guinevere "sing it out," and Camelot never falls at all.

I know that there are many worse cartoons than this one, but this one will do until a lousier one comes along.

DRAGONBALL Z: RESURRECTION "F" (2015)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *metaphysical*

RESURRECTION "F" is the direct sequel to BATTLE OF GODS, which launched a new series of animated DRAGONBALL feature films in the 2010s. However, whereas BATTLE premiered the new characters of the destroyer-god Lord Beerus and his majordomo Whis, RESURRECTION is a stale retread in which once more Goku and his fellow Saiyan Vegeta contend with an old enemy. But since this was another script by the franchise's creator Akira Toriyama, I suppose he had the right to coast if anyone did.

The evil alien overlord Frieza has been dead for some time, tormented in a Japanese hell where he has to listen to fuzzy bunnies singing happy songs. However, some of Frieza's former army, headed by Commander Sorbet, desire to revive their old boss. They collect all seven dragonballs and summon the wish-dragon Shenron, who revives Frieza even though he's been cut into pieces. We don't see a bunch of animated body parts flopping about, though, because Sorbet has a handy-dandy organic integrator lying around, Soon Frieza is strutting around, killing off subordinates whenever he feels like it and nurturing a grudge against Goku and all the allies who vanquished the evildoer in past.

As is often the case, Goku and Vegeta, competitive with one another as always, have journeyed to Beerus' world to train with majordomo Whis. He makes some observations about the mental failings of both Saiyans, and Beerus, waking up cranky, reminds the heroes that the only reason he spared Earth was because he enjoyed the food there. 

One good thing about the Saiyans' absence: when Freiza's troops attack Earth, many of the heroic support-cast get to kick butt, which often does not occur in the animated films. But none of the support characters can handle ultra-powered Frieza himself, so Bulma is able to summon Goku and Vegeta to save the day,

And so, the heroes take turns fighting Frieza, while their friends watch anxiously and the two deity-types chow down on Earth food. As usual, the villain of the show has some secret technique to up his game, and the heroes have to up their game in turn. After Goku wins, his reluctance to take his ruthless enemy's life allows Frieza to destroy Earth. Fortunately, Whis just happens to have mentioned he has the power to reset time about three minutes back, and so Goku gets a do-over.

Aside from giving the support cast more props, there's a little bit of diffident camraderie sustained between the two Saiyans, but none of it is germane to the simplistic plot.

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK: APOCALYPSE WAR (2020)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *metaphysical, psychological*

In practice, FINAL CRISIS merely proves the rule about mega-crossovers: with great numbers of powerhouses come diminishing returns. I'm not one of those fans who insists that the "story" is no good unless it's heavily plotted. By its nature, the mega-crossover has the structure of a vaudeville show, where each performer comes out and does his/her thing before being quickly followed by someone else.-- FINALLY, CRISIS.

The title is a misnomer in one sense: WAR is not a story solely about the subcategory of "weirdie Justice Leaguers" like 2017's JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK. Several of the "JLD" members-- John Constantine, Zatanna, The Demon, and Swamp Thing-- have key roles in WAR's plot. But they're no more important than regular League characters like Superman and Batman, Teen Titans like Raven and the "Damian Wayne" version of Robin, and such Suicide Squad luminaries as Harley Quinn, Captain Boomerang and King Shark. In other words, this is an "event" story like at least two of the comics-sources on which it's based, the aforementioned FINAL CRISIS and 2015's DARKSEID WAR. But because this WAR is a 90-minute DTV film, its "mega-crossover" has to have all of its "vaudeville performers" do their turns pretty rapidly.

The movie is also the sixteenth and last film to be issues under the umbrella of "DC Animated Movie Universe," which in the last few years has been superseded by the "Tomorrowverse" line. In this sense, it would be appropriate to use the term "dark," since WAR is the "twilight of the franchise." It's also appropriate in that the DTV's tone is far darker than any of its influences, for the story, unlike its comics-influences, is structured like a war movie. 

The main body of the film takes place after the Justice League has tried and failed to prevent an incursion by Apokolips-lord Darkseid. Both Cyborg and the (Barry Allen) Flash have disappeared and are thought dead, though they're later revealed to have been forced into ugly forms of servitude on Apokolips. Other heroes have been turned into slave-warriors, like Wonder Woman and Starfire. Superman has lost much of his power after Darkseid's tech-masters created a species of soldier with Kryptonian DNA, and Batman has been turned into one of Darkseid's coordinators, with Lex Luthor as his flunky. Zatanna, lover to John Constantine, has died and Constantine is thought to have fled the fight in cowardice (though this isn't the whole truth). And some problems simply continue from earlier continuity, as with the Teen Titan Raven, who constantly struggles not to release her demon-father Trigon from his prison inside her body.

All of this "disaster opera" (my term) sounds a lot like not only the standard tumults seen in comics crossovers but also like two or three of the DCAMU productions, such as the odious JUSTICE LEAGUE: THE FLASHPOINT PARADOX. But happily, the two directors and two credited writers-- whose resumes all include an ample supply of both hits and misses-- rose to the occasion. The script for WAR allows for far more humanity and humor than I've ever seen in any other DCAMU effort. Possibly the tight run-time and the big cast worked to the writers' advantage, so that things like the romantic arc between Raven and Damian are kept short and to the point. That said, the script manages to work in one reference to an earlier DCAMU film, wherein brainwashed-Batman verbally castigates his son by talking about the events of BATMAN: BAD BLOOD. However, I should mention that many of the disasters on display here are somewhat mitigated by an ending which suggests that this "Disastrous Cosmos" may get a do-over. 

As for humor, I will mention only (1) a ring-match between combatants Lois Lane and Harley Quinn, and (2) a shouting match between Brit Constantine and Aussie Captain Boomerang that ends with them both using the "w word" for one another.

If I had to make a criticism, I could have done without Trigon, a boring villain, who naturally wins free and possesses one of the heroes. But even he has a pretty good fight with fellow mega-villain Darkseid. Some of the outstanding voice-acting include Matt Ryan as Constantine, Rebecca Romijn as Lois Lane, and Hynden Walsh as Harley Quinn. I only wish the majority of the JUSTICE LEAGUE animated films had been half this good.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS: SEASON FIVE (1999-2000)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *cosmological, metaphysical, psychological, sociological*

For the whole season, Xena and Gabrielle remain dead and Joxer becomes the new star. Or maybe not. OK, they both come back to life and somehow Xena gets pregnant, because Lucy Lawless had become pregnant back during Season Four. This meant that Season 5 saddled O'Connor's Gabrielle with most of the action scenes, and Lawless's Xena spends most of her time covered up by heavy clothes or appliances.

FALLEN ANGEL (F)-- The spirits of the two heroines go to heaven, but promptly become bones of contention between the angels and demons. In fact, most of the episode consists of either Xena or Gabrielle shuttling back and forth between Perdition and Paradise, while back on Earth their mourners, Joxer and Amarice, seek to take the crusaders' bodies back to Xena's hometown. There are only two scenes of mythic substance in the episode. First, when Angel-Xena struggles with a demonic version of Callisto, Xena decides to use her spirit-power to redeem Callisto's soul from her obsessive evil, and succeeds, though Xena herself becomes a demon. Second, after all the otherworldly transformations run their gamut, Eli pulls a Lazarus, reviving the bodies of X and G with their spirits once more intact. Though Eli was seen performing other magical acts, this is the only one that's a definite Imitatio Christi.

CHAKRAM (F)-- There's a twist to Xena's resurrection: she forgets all of her experiences as a warrior, becoming something of a goody-good milquetoast. Also, Xena's Chakram was broken by Callisto in THE IDES OF MARCH, and it can only be repaired by a complicated process, while both Ares and a rival war-god, Kal, seek to obtain the weapon for their own benefit. Inevitably Xena regains both her weapon and her full memories, while from somewhere Gabrielle acquires a pair of sai-knives. These apparently symbolize her decision to become a full-time warrior-companion to her BFF. Eli departs once more, but presumably spends more time building up his peace-and-love movement, given later events. Also, Joxer confesses his love to Gabrielle, while she puts off making any response.

SUCCESSION (F)-- Though Ares seems to have mostly given up on re-recruiting Xena, an intense warrior-woman named Mavican (Jenya Lano) stumps for the job of the war-god's new emissary on Earth. When she challenges both Xena and Gabrielle, Ares flings all three of them into another dimension to fight it out. The rules of the game are pretty clever.

ANIMAL ATTRACTION (F)-- High Plains Warrior Princess! The action takes place in a town called Spamona, which one might assume is in North Greece, since the very next story has the cast hike all the way back to the territory of the Siberian Amazons. Anyway, everyone in Spamona wears cowboy hats and dusters, so that Xena and Gabrielle-- who have picked up Joxer and Amarice again at some point-- stand out a bit, even though Xena volunteers to protect the town from yet another warlord-horde. Also, Gabrielle makes friends with a new horse, and is seen riding out of town on it at the end, though the new mount is only irregularly seen from then on. Amarice gets an "animal attraction" for a young stud, but the big news is that Xena's pregnant-- and to the best of her knowledge, there's no way that could have happened.

THEM BONES, THEM BONES (F)-- Xena begins to experience bad symptoms from her pregnancy, and the eventual diagnosis is that the spirit of the slain villain Alti is seeking to possess the heroine's unborn child. So the two heroines, Amarice and Joxer hoof it to Siberia for the help of the Amazon shamans. If only because it's shorter, this is a much better shaman-outing than ADVENTURES IN THE SIN TRADE, though it's still rather derivative. Amarice stands revealed as a pretender to Amazon status, and she stays behind to join the Siberian tribe.

PURITY/ BACK IN THE BOTTLE (G)-- These two strongly related episodes send the heroines back to Chin, this time with Joxer in tow. Xena learns that there's a secret book of magical/martial techniques left behind by her late, cherished mentor Lao Ma, and her two surviving children both want the book. But Kao Hsin wants to keep the book's secrets away from evildoers, while Pao Ssu wants to share the secrets with her warlord friends-- who also seek the secret of gunpowder to begin a wave of conquest. Pao Ssu perishes in the first episode, and then comes back merged with Xena's no-less-dead enemy Ming Tien. (The merger is probably a tip of the hat to the 1993 BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR.) Xena, who wielded supernatural power in THE DEBT thanks to Lao Ma's tutelage, steps up her mystical game to defeat a teeming army. A few lines from Lao Ma's book sound like Schopenhauer, an alleged favorite of Rob Tapert.

LITTLE PROBLEMS (P)-- Thanks to yet another goofup by ditzy Aphrodite, Xena's spirit becomes lodged in the body of a little girl, Daphne, who has problems communicating with her daddy. There's a forgettable warlord in a Doctor Doom mask to provide peril. The only memorable schtick involves Gabrielle and Aphrodite masquerading as conjoined twins to have an oil-wrestling match with another pair of such twins, Castor and Pollux.

SEEDS OF FAITH (G)-- Despite the fact that the writers don't build up to the revelation, it seems that Ares and the other Olympians fear a "twilight of the gods," when they will be replaced by other forms of worship, presumably the real-life religion that Eli represents. Ares plans to send an army of soldiers to slay Eli, and Eli begs Xena and Gabrielle to stay out of the matter. The angel Callisto informs that Eli's sacrifice alone can cause the Olympians' downfall-- and just for a topper, asserts that she's the one who created Xena's immaculate pregnancy so that she could become reincarnated in the burgeoning infant. Xena decides she's OK with all this, and that's the last appearance for Hudson Leick on the show. Eli dies but clearly has a supernatural survival that betokens the rise of his religion of peace.

LYRE, LYRE, HEARTS ON FIRE (P)-- All the good credit the show earned from THE BITTER SUITE is largely wiped from the slate by this musical mishmash. Xena and Gabrielle insist that two claimants to a mystic lyre should fight things out in a battle of the bands: one band led by a tribe of Amazons, the other a group of raiders led by Draco, still in love with Gabrielle since A COMEDY OF EROS. There are a few amusing scenes, such as Gabrielle getting a little jelly when another woman makes moves on Joxer. Less successful is a heavy-handed lecture about tolerance, as Joxer is shown to be embarrassed by his flamboyant brother Jase (also Raimi). Since the writers wanted Joxer to remain sympathetic, his discomfort never rises to the level of homophobia. 

PUNCH LINES (P)-- Call this "Adventures in the Shrink Trade," as the gloomy god Lachrymose subjects Gabrielle and Argo to a "reduction derby." Amid all the lame humor, including an old-style pie fight, Xena has some decent dialogue worrying about her fitness to be a mother.

GOD FEARING CHILD (P)-- Unlike the comedy episodes, the writers clearly meant this opus to be deep and meaningful, but failed due to an overall meretricious outlook. The Fates decree to Zeus and Hera that the Olympian gods are doomed by the rise of a child not born of man, so Zeus sets his sights on Xena's daughter. Hercules shows up and seeks to intercede with his godly father, but to no avail.

For some dubious reason Xena decides she and Gabrielle must journey to Tartarus to steal Hades' cap of invisibility, even though the baby will be stillborn if birthed in the underworld. X and G have various adventures, including once more encountering the shade of Solan, but the main thrust of the story belongs to Hercules. His stepmother Hera switches sides for no good reason and guides Hercules to a graveyard where the hero can fashion a weapon from one of the ribs of Kronos. (One HERCULES show claimed that Kronos was in Tartarus, so how'd he get there without his ribs?) Zeus punishes Hera by absorbing her, but Hercules fulfills his destiny by killing his own father with a rib-weapon--the TV hero's last act, since the HERCULES series had ended. The heroines win free of Tartarus in time for Xena to bear her immaculate progeny, whom she decides to name "Eve" for no reason. The writers were presumably trying to go for some symbolic link between the ribs of Kronos and the Adamic rib from which the Biblical Eve was created, but it's a clumsy juxtaposition.

ETERNAL BONDS (F)-- The surviving gods mount a campaign to slay Xena's newborn child, attacking both with their own godly forces and with human servitors. (Three such servitors appear before Xena and Gabrielle, offering gifts, but this Magi-imposture is just a trick.) Joxer is wounded by a poisoned blade from a priest of Artemis (Apollo would've been more appropriate), so Gabrielle must take him to get a cure. This errand frees up Xena, traveling covertly with Eve, to encounter Ares once again. The war-god is now convinced that the Olympians are doomed (Eve oddly taking the place of the previous gods'-bane, Dahak) so he wants Xena to bear his child. For the first time since the series' beginning, Xena is visibly tempted by her buried erotic feelings for Ares, but she rejects his bargain and re-united with her friends, escaping the gods once more.

AMPHIPOLIS UNDER SIEGE (P)-- This is just another "city under siege" story. Joxer wanders off somewhere else while Xena, Gabrielle and Xena's newborn proceed to her home town. Xena's mother gets a chance to play grandma and Ares renews his offer of salvation when the other gods descend to invade the city. The one virtue of the dull story is a moment when Ares KNOWS that Xena makes a bargain with him as a means of playing him, but he can't resist letting her have her way.

MARRIED WITH FISHSTICKS (P)-- Here's one last silly-pants episode before Season Five concludes on a lot of heavy-themed stories. The heroines witness two petulant goddesses, Aphrodite and Discord, dueling with lightning-bolts, and a wayward blast tosses Gabrielle into the sea. Gabrielle then dreams most of the rest of the episode, which is a revised version of the Goldie Hawn movie OVERBOARD, sans the big romantic hookup with the male lead (Ted Raimi again). Lots of makeup and monsters make this one mildly palatable.

LIFEBLOOD (F)-- For an episode that recycles footage from a failed pilot called AMAZON HIGH (about a 20th-century woman joining a primeval Amazon tribe), this story works out better than expected. The heroines seek out the Northern Amazon tribe (which I didn't think was homologous with the ones who made Gabby their queen, but whatever). Both the head Amazon Yakut and the long-unseen Amarice have died, and the tribe plans a mission of vengeance. Xena gets visions that link her to the primeval Amazons, and this helps her avert senseless killing.

KINDRED SPIRITS (F)-- This is a largely comic episode but it's not completely silly. Joxer finds his way to the Northern Amazon tribe but he peeps on some of the nubile wenches at their ablutions. Gabrielle, installed as temporary chieftain, must find some way to keep Joxer from being executed for his offense without violating Amazon tradition. An Amazon named Rhea, who's not seen many men before, visits the captive male with the idea of siring a child by him, but it's just infant-envy at work. A big ring-fight between Xena and Joxer, spiced with spoofs of pro-wrestling, is more memorable than most Xena-japes, particularly since Xena finally loses her damn pregnancy concealing coat.

ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA (P)-- This episode serves largely to set up Xena becoming an ally of Octavius, one of the major players vying with Brutus and Marc Antony for Roman power. An assassin sent by Brutus slays Cleopatra, so Xena poses as the Egyptian queen and seeks to run rings around the Romans. Xena makes love to Marc Antony but ends up killing him, while Gabrielle offs Brutus. Just can't trust them Romans.

LOOKING DEATH IN THE EYE (F)-- The fate of Xena and Gabrielle, seeking to protect Eve from the gods, is related in piecemeal fashion via a frame-story which takes place 25 years in the future, related by an aged Joxer (now married to Xena-lookalike Meg and possessed of a strapping young son who looks like neither parent). Xena arranges a massive hoax that involves kidnapping the death-goddess Celesta (last seen in DEATH IN CHAINS). Xena fakes the deaths of herself, Eve and Gabrielle, so that neither Ares nor Joxer knows the truth, though Octavius takes custody of Eve. But because Ares believes the heroines are dead, he enshrines their comatose bodies in an Arctic ice-cave.

LIVIA (G)-- X and G escape their icy confinement, find out that 25 years have passed, and seek out Joxer the Aged. They meet both wife Meg and son Virgil, who's become a proficient warrior after being raised on a diet of Joxer's stories of his glorious actions. Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and Virgil go to Rome to demand an accounting from Octavius as to the disposition of Xena's daughter. 

But-- never trust a Roman! Octavius renamed Eve "Livia" (note the slight name-resemblance) and raised her as a warrior-woman who devotes herself to gladiatorial games and persecuting the still-extant followers of Christ-like Eli. (To be sure, since Livia shared the "blood" of both Xena and Callisto, Octavius may not have much of a choice.) Octavius eventually tells Xena that he's in love with his adoptive daughter and plans to marry her. But that enormity doesn't frost the warrior princess' butt as much as finding out that Ares-- who still believes that Baby Eve died for real-- has become both mentor and implied lover to Livia. Livia considers Rome itself her only "mother," having never been told of her mortal sire, so when Xena reveals the truth, Livia reacts with scandalized hatred-- and for a bonus, Ares figures out that his new squeeze is Eve, Doom of the Gods. Mother and daughter battle in the Colosseum, but though Livia is spared by both Xena and the citizens of Rome, she vows undying hatred of the warrior princess.

EVE (G)-- Forget the struggles of Livia/Eve; the standout event here is Xena's daughter finally kills someone Xena and Gabrielle actually care about. Due to traveling with Xena's group, Joxer becomes embarrassed by his ineptitude and leaves himself open to being slain by none other than Livia. But before that big moment, Ares, having been rejected by Xena once again, encourages Livia to kill her mother. For Xena's part, she's all but convinced that Livia is beyond recovery, though she prays to Eli for guidance. With the help of some Roman allies, Xena sets a trap for Livia and her soldiers. When Xena conquers Livia, she pauses before the final stroke and implores the aid of Eli once more. Whatever power is behind Eli gives Livia her own personal "road to Damascus" moment, and she sees the evil of her entire life, effectively transforming corrupted Livia back into innocent Eve. Virgil takes his father's body back home.

MOTHERHOOD (F)-- It's "Twilight of the Gods" in overdrive, as Eve seeks redemption from a prominent Eli follower, "The Baptist." Somehow this redemptive power also confers on Xena the power to kill gods, which will come in handy throughout Season Six. Athena mounts a sneak attack, sending the invisible Furies to seduce Gabrielle into killing Eve. (The Furies also show Gabby visions of Joxer and Hope.) Eve tries to make amends to Virgil, but he rejects her. The plot is partly successful, though Xena has to severely wound Gabrielle to prevent Eve's slaying. Four gods show up to attack Xena and Eve, but Xena kills two and the others retreat. Aphrodite appears, but cannot help dying Gabrielle without the blessing of Athena. She transports Xena, the wounded Eve and the dying Gabrielle to Olympus, where the warrior princess seeks to make a deal with Athena, though Xena's in danger of losing her power to kill gods if Eve dies of her wound. The writers then blatantly contradict Aphrodite's testimony, that only Athena can bring healing, by having lovelorn Ares heal both Eve and Gabrielle, making it possible for Xena to slay Athena. (They throw in a weak excuse that Ares can only do this deed by giving up his immortality, which gives him an excuse to dodge the Gotterdammerung and to hang around through Season Six.)

While it's too early for a series overview, I have to say that this season places the show-runners very much in the mode of Gabrielle in THE PLAY'S THE THING. They have the characters make lots of speeches about the importance of "letting go" and extending mercy, while finding lots of excuses to unleash crowd-pleasing mayhem (this time, expressly aligned with a fictional version of the Judeo-Christian religion).

MERLIN AND THE WAR OF THE DRAGONS (2008)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *metaphysical, sociological*

I only glanced at a couple of IMDB reviews while checking specs on ths film's personnel, but I saw enough to make me wonder if any of those reviewers have ever seen a really bad movie. This DTV flick with the long-winded title-- henceforth abbreviated to WAR-- is just a competent but unexceptional formula effort, with decent if not exceptional performances. WAR's main point of interest is that it chooses to mine the Arthurian mythos at a point most such movies don't focus upon: the period during which Merlin was schooled in magic by a perceptor, and first gained access to the sword Excalibur, later to be bestowed upon Arthur.

In a 12th-century poem, it's established that Merlin was born of a mortal woman by her intercourse with an incubus, and later tutored in magic by a wizard named Blaise. WAR opens with the same basic  situation. Rather than allowing Baby Merlin to be slain as demon-spawn, a wizard known only as "The Mage" (Jurgen Prochnow) adopts the child, and the infant is next seen as Teen Merlin (Simon Lloyd-Roberts). However, The Mage also adopts a second orphan, Vendiger (Joseph Stacey), and so the two orphans grow up as virtual brothers. Not surprisingly, the introduction of Vendiger supplies the movie with its villain, the bad seed who doesn't honor his adoptive father's teachings. He also lures Merlin into reading from their adoptive dad's magical book, and this sets up most of the future magical occurrences, including the titular "war of the dragons."

The Romans have recently withdrawn from Britain, so dozens of petty chieftains are vying for power, though we only see two, noble Vortigern (whose army includes the future father of Arthur, Uther Pendragon) and ignoble Hengest. (We also barely see much in the way of armies; it looks like both warlords have about ten soldiers under their respective commands.) Vendiger allies himself to Hengest, and displays his stolen magical spells by conjuring up a dragon with which to fight Vortigern.

The Mage backs Vortigern, but he also needs an edge, and that's Excalibur. He sends Teen Merlin to the sacred lake, where dwell two magical sisters, Nimue and Viviane. Both names occur in Arthurian lore, often as variant names for either the Lady of the Lake or a sorceress who beguiles Merlin. The Mage cautions Merlin, who is half-god, not to fall into the clutches of the fairy-folk. The young magus receives some ambiguous attentions from both sisters (who are, to be sure, the weakest actors in the movie), but no real threat manifests, and Merlin fetches Excalibur back to the battle front. In the meantime, though, Evil Vendiger kills The Mage, though he lives long enough to charge Merlin with stopping his bad brother for good. 

The dragons look OK, but they don't really have a big impact on the story, which is really just about a Good Father, His Good Son, and His Bad Son. There's a very short scene with a female warrior who talks with Teen Merlin a bit, but no romantic arc appears either. Prochnow endows The Mage with a good gravitas despite the simplistic character.

ILYA MUROMETS (1956)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *metaphysical, sociological*

Though I've assigned the functions of "the metaphysical" and "the sociological" to this film, the sociological discourse in ILYA MUROMETS actually drags the story down. Only the loose metaphysical discourse gives the film any mythic stature.

ILYA-- distributed and edited in an English-language version as THE SWORD AND THE DRAGON-- was fortunately available via streaming in its original form, as structured by the esteemed Russian director Aleksandr Ptushko. ILYA was completed about four years after Ptushko's SADKO, which I have not seen in its original form, but only in the truncated English version known as THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD. Some critics celebrate SADKO as Ptushko's first major work, and the 1959 fantasy that followed, 1959's SAMPO, as an equal accomplishment. But I tend to doubt ILYA sustains the same critical approval.

One critique asserted that the legend of the famed Russian hero Ilya Muromets presented difficulties for the filmmakers because most of the original myth-hero's adventures were episodic in nature. However, the KALEVALA, an epic compiled from many short and sometimes logically challenged stories, was Ptushko's source for SAMPO, and he and his writers were able to make a coherent narrative there.

I believe ILYA was compromised between a desire to show the Russian champion in two contrary modes. In two scenes, he fights with supernatural evils-- a marauding wind demon, a three-headed dragon. And yet the same hero is meant to bring together fractious Russian tribes to repel a quasi-historical enemy, evil Asian soldiers called "Tugars" who are implicitly stand-ins for the Mongolian tribes who once threatened Russian borders. The latter mode gets the most screen-time, and sometimes the story reminded me less of a myth-story and more of a realistic history-epic like Eisenstein's 1938 ALEXANDER NEVSKY.

There are other, very brief hints of the world of myth behind the Ilya persona. Ilya (Boris Andreyev), though a big hulking fellow, has apparently been lame all his life, unable to prevent his fiancee from being abducted by Tugars (though she isn't really mentioned that much). Then some pilgrims, presumably Orthodox Christians, visit Ilya's village. They just came from meeting a older myth-hero, who gave the pilgrims his magical sword before he turned into a great mountain. The travelers not only present the sword to Ilya, they also happen to have with them a serum that restores the big man's mobility. Ilya says bye to his parents and takes up the mantle of defending Russia from its enemies.

Ilya's conquest of a nasty wind demon impresses the ruling Prince Vladimir, and the hero follows that up by embarrassing the envoys of Tugar lord Kalin. Later Ilya finds and liberates his fiancee Vassilissa, taking her home and marrying her. At some point Ilya puts a bun in his wife's oven and then leaves to go fight the Tugars some more. 

However, Ilya's fame earns him enemies at the Russian court, and the hero spends ten years in prison. During that time the Tugars capture both Vassilissa and her son "Little Falcon," and they raise the boy to think he's a Tugar and that he must fight the evil Russians. Later Ilya is freed and he returns to the fray. The Tugars send the hero's own son out to battle Ilya. Fortunately, Little Falcon wears a ring that allows Ilya to recognize him before either of the powerful warriors is slain, and together they rescue Vassilissa.

The film then ramps up to a big pitched battle between Russians and Tugars. Somehow the Tugars summon a three-headed, fire-breathing dragon to fight on their side, but Ilya and his son destroy the monster. The chieftain Kalin perishes and the Russian people are saved.

All the scenes of court intrigue drag, whatever their purpose in depicting "the enemy within." There's no dramatic arc as such, so Ilya and all of his support-characters remain flat and uninteresting, I couldn't tell if Boris Andreyev could act, but for this film he's not called upon anything but to be a really big tough guy, rather on the level of the Lou Ferrigno Hercules. So this effort by the premiere representative of Russian fantasy-cinema does not register as any sort of neglected classic.

HERCULES THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS: "ARMAGEDDON NOW PTS 1-2" (1998)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *metaphysical, psychological*

I've yet to review the majority of episodes for the series HERCULES THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS. My general impression is that the more formulaic HERCULES never even tried to equal its sister show XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS in the game of delving into matters mythic. I recently examined the first time the Xena-fiend Callisto crossed over into the Herc-verse here, and that one-shot story wasn't much more than a means of establishing some continuity-points. 

The two part ARMAGEDDON NOW, airing on February 18, 1998, was considerably more ambitious, though to be sure NOW also served to link parallel occurrences in the two shows. Callisto was still dead and powerless in the 11-18-96 XENA episode "Ten Little Warlords," and following that, the villainess receives an immortality upgrade in "Surprise" on the HERCULES show, dated 1-27-97, She then shuttles back to XENA for A NECESSARY EVIL on 2-10-97, which ends with her being imprisoned by Xena. About a year later Callisto's released by Hope in MATERNAL INSTINCTS (1-26-98), and she's reluctantly working for Hope once again in her last fourth-season episode of XENA in the two-part THE SACRIFICE (May 1998). But Callisto's demeanor changes appreciably between the two 1998 stories, and that's because of ARMAGEDDON NOW on the HERCULES show (February 1998).

In truth, the continuance of the Callisto arc is the main strength of NOW, but all the rest is just the usual melodramatic alarums and excursions, though the dramatic scenes are handled well enough. At the beginning of this episode, Hope once more frees Callisto from a prison wrought by Xena. But this Callisto succeeded in getting her cherished revenge on Xena in MATERNAL INSTINCTS, only to find that it didn't mean anything to her. But Hope has anticipated the warrior-woman's ennui, and comes up with a devil's bargain. If Callisto will go back in time to prevent Hercules from being born, she can also rewrite time so that her father and mother are never slain by Xena's army. 

Callisto also suborns the somewhat gullible Ares into helping Callisto obtain a solution of hind's-blood, fatal to all gods, from an alternate-world version of Hercules, The Sovereign, who had his own separate arc in the Herc-verse. The two villains manage to acquire their prize and hurl both Real Hercules and Evil Alternate Hercules into the same limbo from which they liberated the Sovereign. But then Callisto steals the hind's-blood and, with Hope's help, vanquishes Ares. Despite his humiliation, the war-god won't pursue Callisto through time, but he will send Herc's best friend Iolaos into the past, to save Herc's mother from being slain.

Many of the story's rationales don't hold up to strong scrutiny. Why does Hope want Hercules eliminated, given that the record does not exactly show him (unlike Xena) actively seeking to block the rule of Dahak? And why does Hope want the hind's-blood? For some future use against the Greek gods, perhaps. But Callisto, possessing ample godlike powers, certainly doesn't need it to knock off the mother of Hercules. Indeed, Iolaus almost get the chance to slay Callisto with a blood-daubed blade. But the blade is set aside for use in the later XENA episode SACRIFICE, when Xena does use it to kill immortal Callisto. Lastly, the time-frame of Hercules being an unborn child at the same time when Young Callisto's village is raided makes no sense whatever.

I won't go into detail about how badly the devil's bargain works out for Callisto. But it's one of the great moments in the HERCULES show, illustrating the futility of the evildoer's desire to change the past, and it also accounts for why the only thing Callisto wants from Hope in SACRIFICE is a memory-less oblivion. And the plot succeeds for a time (so to speak), as Infant Hercules's life is indeed snuffed out, Since there's no Hercules, no one reforms Bad Xena, and Lucy Lawless has some standout scenes playing Xena as an Empress of Evil. But Iolaus works out a contingency plan and the proper timeline is set right. Hercules has a few decent fight-scenes with his opposite number, but that doesn't mask the fact that he's almost completely written out of the main action. So NOW is more ambitious than the average HTLJ episode, but not quite up to the best of the XENA offerings.