ATTACK OF THE 60 FOOT CENTERFOLDS (1995)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *comedy*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *psychological*

In my July 2022 review of ATTACK OF THE 60 FOOT CHEERLEADER, I wrote:

This Roger Corman production echoes the title of a nineties flick for the same producer's New Horizons label, ATTACK OF THE 60-FOOT CENTERFOLDS. However, while both films are sold on Corman's dependable attractions of T & A, my memory is that CENTERFOLDS had nothing else, while the Michael MacLean script for CHEERLEADER injects some intelligent humor into an undoubtedly silly concept.

When I wrote that, I hadn't seen CENTERFOLDS in over twenty years, but now that I have, I'm gratified to see that my memory remained accurate, even about such a piddling movie. But that's very nearly all that's gratifying about yet another listless Fred Olen Ray potboiler.

Of course, Ray doesn't stint on the aforementioned T&A. In addition to supporting roles by Nikki Fritz and Michelle Bauer (though the latter remains fully clothed throughout), the movie centers upon three models competing for a big contract. The star is a girl with an unusually religious name, Angel Grace (J.J. North), and though she's dating sleazy photographer Mark, Mark's assistant Wilson is the guy who truly loves Angel. Betty (Tammy Parks) is the Bitch of the story, constantly putting down innocent Angel as her strongest competition for their common goal. Lastly, there's Inga (Raelyn Saalman), who really serves no purpose in the narrative except to feed other actors a few lines here and there. I assume Ray simply had the budget to afford three hotties willing to doff their tops, so he went with it.

Now, though most of Ray's movies are timekillers at best, occasionally he's shown some talent at comedy whenever he got a half-decent script. But CENTERFOLDS, while not the bottom of the comedic barrel, doesn't float much higher than that. This is shown by the extreme idiocy of Angel's motivation. Though she's patently a gorgeous woman, she fears losing her looks for some unexplained reason. So she volunteers to be a guinea pig for a "beauty enhancement" drug, though the scientist in charge tells her to only take the drug as prescribed.

So Angel, Betty, Inga and the photography crew show up at the mansion of some high-roller named Gordon (Jay Richardson), seemingly based on Hugh Hefner, even though Gordon only has one live-in girlfriend. I don't recall the nature of whatever job the models all want, but Angel's so nervous that she overdoses on the drug. Coincidentally, back at the science place the learned people have learned that the drug has caused a test rat to become One Big Honking Rodent.

Within a few hours of overdosing, Angel expands into Sixty-Foot Centerfold. After the others on Gordon's estate get over their initial shock, bad guys Mark and Gordon lay plans to exploit the Colossal Cutie, while nice guy Mark tries to protect her. But the only real conflict in this tired script is that Betty learns of the plans to give Angel a really big centerfold, and so she steals the drug and becomes a second Colossal Girl. The two tit-titans struggle for supremacy with that old favorite, the Standing Grapple (where two girls catfight by grabbing each other's hands and shoving each other back and forth). The dull fight only gets enlivened at the end, when Scientist Guy changes them both back to normal and Angel decks Betty. Angel and Wilson end up together, happy happy joy joy.

Simple as the silly concept is, Ray could have got considerably more mileage out of it, but he and his writer were apparently too lazy. They even blow an easy joke that "quotes" THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN. In that fifties Bert I. Gordon flick, scientists try to inject the hapless giant for his own good, but he grabs their oversize syringe, hurls it and impales one of the attendants. Angel gets to duplicate the scene, with non-fatal consequences for Gordon, but his posterior punishment comes off as utterly unfunny. However, Richardson is the only actor to gives a little more than just basic service with his smarmy Hefner-analogue. Ray also throws in blink-and-miss-them short bits for other performers, such as Russ Tamblyn, Tommy Kirk, Ross Hagen, Stanley "My Three Sons" Livingston, and Forrest J. Ackerman as "Dracula." I think he was supposed to be a wax statue of the vampire, one that comes to life and runs away from the Colossal Catfight. But if so said statue must have been made by someone who never saw any pictorial depictions of Dracula-- just like, watching this film, one could easily believe Fred Olen Ray must not have ever seen a good movie, because he makes so many bad ones.

DEAD EYES OF LONDON (1961)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *drama*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

I've seen Alfred Vohrer credited with directing fourteen of the German crime films known as "krimi," and it looks to me like DEAD EYES OF LONDON might be his first. It's a remake of the 1939 British programmer THE HUMAN MONSTER, which was itself an adaptation of a 1924 Edgar Wallace novel that I've not read.

Even so, there have been textual changes. The novel had two villains, which MONSTER cut down to two roles played by one fiend, but EYES returns to two villains, though one doesn't find this out until the rousing conclusion. The main hero is about the same, doughty Inspector Holt, this time essayed by Joachim Fuchsberger. However, in MONSTER, comedy relief is supplied by a wisecracking American cop, while here it stems from a slighty fey British cop who is mocked for his habit of knitting. 

The female lead in MONSTER is a young woman whom Holt sets up to investigate the slayer of her father. But here a lady named Nora (Karin Baal) works with Scotland Yard as a "braille expert," helping the police decipher a clue found on one of the bodies floating in the Thames River. She still infiltrates the Home for the Blind, where supposedly blind Reverend Dearborn (Dieter Borsche) runs things, but Holt doesn't know from the start that Nora is also the daughter of one of the victims. Finally, MONSTER included a hulking blind fellow named Jake who served the villain but ended up turning on him. EYES plays up a bald, blind hulk named Blind Jack (Ady Berber) who's seen strangling a few victims, but he's executed halfway through the movie by one of the two main criminals. 

Vohrer and his scenarists comprise a much more kinetic adventure than anything seen in the 1939 MONSTER, making liberal use of intense close-up shots. Indeed, many of the murder-sequences look forward to the giallos and the slashers for sheer brutality, though there's nothing fit to compete with Argento. (Klaus Kinski has a small role as one of the evildoers' pawns.) The one weakness in the lively script is that there's some peculiar mention of a "league of blind killers" early on, even though no one has any reason to think that any of the deaths are even associated with blind men. In contrast to MONSTER's fairly dull conclusion, Vohrer delivers a serial-style "woman in peril" sequence and a last-ditch battle between Holt and his adversaries. The narrative emphasis thus shifts from the story's "monster" to its crusading hero, though the detective elements still align the movie's mythos with the drama.

THE HUMAN MONSTER (1939)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *drama*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

The British title of this thriller-- the first movie to earn a rating of "H" for horrific content-- was DARK EYES OF LONDON, the same as a popular 1924 source book by Edgar Wallace. I have read none of Wallace's works, but I will parrot the best known difference between book and movie: that in the former, two villains are in charge of the criminal enterprise, while in the latter, there's one villain playing two roles, and both are essayed by Bela Lugosi.

The less visible role is that of Dearborn, the soft-spoken administrator of a Home for the Blind in London, who pretends to be as blind as his charges. But his true identity is Doctor Orloff, who runs an insurance agency. Orloff sells insurance policies to wealthy men but also loans money to the policy-holders if they make the policies payable to the Dearborn Home for the Blind. Then Orloff uses an electrical device to execute the policy-holders, dumping their bodies in the Thames River. In these endeavors he's helped at times by the hulking blind man Jake (Wilfred Walter).

Scotland Yard inspector Holt (Hugh Williams) is assigned to investigate the surfeit of dead bodies in the river. Holt is also detailed to meet a New York cop visiting Scotland Yard, one O'Reilly (Edmon Ryan), a character whom I suspect was invented for the movie to add an element of wisecracking American humor. The two cops have a meet-cute with a lovely young woman named Diana (Greta Gynt), but she eludes the two of them. Later Holt meets her again, when Diana is called upon to identify the murdered body of her late father.

 Very atypically for most police inspectors, Holt gets Diana to accept a job at the Dearborn Home in order to poke around. This gambit inevitably ends with Orloff revealing his double identity to Diana before he attempts to kill her. Diana manages to turn Hulking Jake against Orloff and the two kill one another before the belated arrival of Holt and the Scotland Yard cavalry.

MONSTER is effectively directed by British raconteur Walter Summers and probably remains his best known work, though personally I prefer Summers' uncredited script-work on the silent version of SHE. Lugosi's double performances are similarly effective but not outstanding. Evidently this film had a great impact upon a young Jesus Franco, who reworked various elements of MONSTER into the first commercial horror film in Spain, THE AWFUL DOCTOR ORLOF.

LUPIN III: ALCATRAZ CONNECTION (2001)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *comedy*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

This television special pushes the goofy comedy elements of LUPIN more than some others. Though ALCATRAZ is only intermittently funny, its general approach makes the convoluted plot easier to take.

Somewhere in the Pacific off the coast of the U.S. (but implicitly near the abandoned Alcatraz Island), the Lupin Gang raids a gambling ship reputedly run to launder Mafia money. Zenigata, aided by a squad of cops and San Francisco inspector Terry Crown, interrupt the theft and the Gang runs off without the loot. Or do they? Lupin belatedly reveals to his partners that he absconded with computer data about a sunken treasure ship in the vicinity. Lupin somehow knows that the ship is also a cover for an operation to acquire the treasure by a mysterious gang known as the Secret Seven.

The Mafia catches up with the thieves, though they capture only Lupin. The master thief has an encounter with a torturer that almost recalls the dynamic of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, from the way both torturer and victim can pull various gimmicks out of nowhere. Lupin's partners Jigen and Goemon rescue their leader (though Fujiko abstains from the mission). 

In San Francisco straight-arrow Zenigata learns that American cop Crown is something of a reprobate, which in many ways gives away one of the main plot points. There's also a subplot in which Goemon becomes increasingly money-motivated, and this turns out to result from his having taken a young woman under his samurai protection. Viewers of earlier LUPIN sagas will not be surprised at the way this plotline plays out.

The treasure-ship, though, pales in comparison to the discovery that the Secret Seven is using an underground facility beneath Alcatraz Island as their base of operations. On top of that, the wild screenplay ties the Seven into the assassinations of both John F. and Robert Kennedy, apparently going full-tilt into the "Mafia done it" theory. It's a little disconcerting to see as an aspect of real history thrown into a LUPIN farce, but it just proves that every culture is generally less than sensitive about the priorities of cultures not their own.

Though some of the comedic moments are good, Fujiko's role is confined to her complaining like a fishwife, with zero good scenes of sex or violence, while Zenigata is seen crying buckets of water over a sentimental revelation. (I've not seen all the LUPIN works, but somehow that strikes me as a peculiar take on the bulldog inspector.)

What is fairly standard is that the Lupin Gang does end up inadvertently aiding the cause of justice. However, a coda reveals that Lupin didn't just stumble into this adventure by chance, which makes for a nice end joke.

SMALLVILLE 2:23: "EXODUS" (2003)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *good*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *cosmological, psychological*

"Exodus" for the most part delivers on the major conflict established in Season 2: that a computer-intelligence dwells in the star-vessel and that it has plans for the Last Son of Krypton. 

The least consequential subplot of "Exodus" is the outcome of Chloe's antagonism toward the Clark-Lana romance. She witnesses the two of them kissing in secret, and because they put off revealing the truth, Chloe has a major blowup at Clark and later goes to Lionel to accept his offer. Parenthetically, this tumult somehow keeps her normally alert journalist's ear from hearing about big developments at the Kent Farm.

B-Plot Number Two concerns the Lex-Helen relationship. Lex confesses that he did break into the good doctor's office and steal the sample, though he returns it to her with the claim that he didn't have the blood analyzed. Helen initially refuses to forgive Lex and the wedding seems in peril. Later she seems to make her peace with Lex and the two fly off in a plane to elope. But in the cliffhanger ending, Lex finds himself alone in a plane plummeting to a seeming doom, prefiguring the revelation that Doctor Bryce is not so nice.

Lionel seems to mostly forget about his son's impeding nuptials due to his investigation of the cave-glyphs. In fact, he's so inordinately pleased with his next gambit that he atypically brags about it to Clark, despite suspecting that Clark is a potential enemy. Lionel somehow figured out, when he had possession of the Kryptonian Key, that it might unlock the caves' secret. Having lost the real key to a member of Clark's family, Lionel jury-rigged a duplicate, one made from some of the kryptonite in his possession.

And finally, Plot A. Clark descends into the cellar, and the ship talks to him the way the Fortress of Solitude talked to the 1978 Superman: through an AI based on the consciousness of the long dead Jor-El. The computer voice confirms earlier suspicions: the Jor-El AI expects the Last Son of Krypton to become the ruler of the lesser mortals of Planet Earth. 

Clark, tormented by fears of somehow endangering his family, resorts to stealing Lionel's duplicate key in order to destroy the super-powered ship. This proves to be a true "Oedipus at the Crossroads" situation, for the very effort of trying to prevent catastrophe causes it, injuring both parents and causing Martha to lose her baby. The Kent farm is destroyed and the ship seems to be gone. Yet the Jor-El AI still proves able to communicate with Clark, possibly through the "S" sign that the ship tattoos upon the young man's chest. The episode ends with Clark trying to anneal his pain by donning a red kryptonite ring, getting hold of a motorcycle from somewhere, and riding off into the sunset. He leaves behind an uncomprehending Lana, after having given her a "don't-touch-me-I'm poison" routine. This interaction strangely echoes the way Lana was literally poison to Clark as long as she wore the necklace of meteor-rocks.

I frankly have no memory of how the AI's mission was explained or dispelled in future seasons. That future plotline may or may not have a good mythic payoff. But the setup certainly has one. Most SMALLVILLE viewers would have been fully aware of the way the Jor-El AI in SUPERMAN '78 works to set the hero on his lofty, self-sacrificing mission. Now, not only do the SMALLVILLE producers invert that trope by having the AI urge the Last Son to become a tyrant, they have the ghostly father voiced by Terence Stamp, who played the world-conquering Zod in the first two Chris Reeves movies. Additionally, though a lot of episodes only required Tom Welling to look earnest or fearful, he did a fine job of capturing Clark's juvenile turmoil, though at age 26 he wouldn't have too many more years where he could credibly play a high school student.

SMALLVILLE 2:22: "CALLING" (2003)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *psychological*

After so many irrelevant pot-boiler episodes in Season 2, it's a relief to have one that delivers on all the major plotlines. The big one is of course Clark and Lana taking that first step into romance, though naturally impediments to their happiness spring up like cartoon stop-signs.

Doctor Waldman, last seen having fallen into a coma after interacting with the computer-knowledge within the Kawachi caves, begins uttering the phrase "The day is coming." And he's not talking about the day Lex Luthor weds Helen Bryce, though that event is just around the corner. Lionel also starts hanging around more, even though he's not invited to said event.

But someone breaks into Helen's lab and steals the sample of Clark's Kryptonian blood. She tells the Kents that she only kept the sample in case she had to treat that unique Kent boy for illness. When Helen informs Lex, he attempts to blame his father for the break-in. 

Clark's briefly on the top of the world for having exchanged passionate love-words with Lana, but she brings him down, fearing to hurt Chloe. So again, secrets are kept, but in due time Chloe finds out, and not in a nice way. Helen suspects Lex isn't telling the truth and searches his mansion. Lionel catches her in the act, decrying her own lack of trust in her future husband.

Waldman manifests energy-powers and breaks out of the hospital. He makes a beeline to the Luthor mansion and reveals to both Lex and Lionel that Clark Kent is the future ruler of Earth. Waldman gets anesthetized before he can say more, but a little later he'll break free again.

Lionel is very interested by the prophecies about Clark and intensifies his investigation of the cave-data. But he also finds time to approach Chloe again, and he reveals the agenda behind his offer of a job at the Daily Planet: to call upon Chloe's resources to investigate Clark Kent. Despite her antipathy for Clark, Chloe rejects the devil's temptations.

In the midst of a pre-wedding dinner, Clark realizes that someone is at the farm messing with the Kryptonian Key. He rushes home and finds Waldman in possession of the key. Waldman tries to kill the young man but things backfire and he perishes instead. However, whether Waldman's activity triggered some process or not, the episode ends with a voice from the star-vessel addressing Clark and beckoning him down into the storm cellar-- which is certainly one of the show's better cliffhangers.

LUPIN III: THE ELUSIVENESS OF THE FOG (2007)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *comedy*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

One good thing about ELUSIVENESS OF THE FOG is that this TV special proves that LUPIN III just doesn't belong in pure science-fiction situations.

All four members of the Lupin Gang are engrossed in another heist when once more Zenigata shows up with Interpol forces. Fujiko goes off in one direction while the three males take off in another, with Zenigata in hot pursuit. Then a new player, name of Kyousuke Mamoh, opens a time portal that sends Lupin, Goemon and Jigen back to medieval Japan, with Zenigata accidentally pulled along for the ride.

Zenigata ends up having little to do with the story, spending most of his time in a feudal-era lockup. The three super-thieves are greatly confused, not least because they get dropped into a city under siege by a rival city. The respective rulers, Queen Iseka and Prince Ethica, are really decent types, but Iseka's land possesses a magical flame-tower that gives her people heat in winter, and Ethica's people want that power. 

Fortunately Mamoh, a time traveler from a far future era, provides the gentleman crooks with exposition, telling that he's doomed them to perish in an era not their own. His motive is perhaps overly comical: in his own time Mamoh lost his best girlfriend to a descendant of Lupin, so the time-traveler quixotically decided to take vengeance on 21st-century Lupin. 

Or is that the only reason? Mamoh ought to just boogie back to his future world, but he keeps monitoring the Lupin Gang for reasons that the script doesn't explain adequately. Thanks to making some feudal-era allies-- Takaya, a young kid seeking revenge, and Ofumi, a dead ringer/ancestress of Fujiko-- the crooks learn of a prophecy about a treasure that might have the power to return them to their own time. So the quest for this treasure tasks the cleverness of Lupin, the gun-skills of Jigen and the uncanny sword-skill of Goemon. And there's some suggestion that Mamoh wants the treasure too, though it's not clear if he knew about the prophecy when he sent his foes back to this particular time.

The revelations about the treasure involve some sizable time-paradoxes, which depend in part on Mamoh continuing to hang around. So the fittingly named FOG devolves into a morass of meandering coincidences, all of which will of course lead the crooks and their cop-enemy back to the 21st century in the end. The stunts and the comic bits are ordinary at best, though I liked Ofumi, who's more kick-ass than Fujiko usually is (albeit not as amply endowed). So this FOG would be easy to dispel from one's list of good Lupin movies.