BRAIN ROBBERS FROM OUTER SPACE (2004)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous* 
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *drama*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *metaphysical*

Why would anyone make a schlock-movie tribute to PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE that lasts THREE AND A HALF HOURS, and why would anyone watch it? I can't answer the first question, but I have a partial answer to the second. In my case, I was looking for something mindless to play in the background while I worked on a fairly involved couple of blogposts. So I checked out the first few minutes of BRAIN ROBBERS FROM OUTER SPACE, whose title is a callout to PLAN's unused original title, "Grave Robbers from Outer Space. As soon as I heard director/co-writer Garland Hewitt trying to finesse his story of invading, zombie-making aliens with faux-learned references about HP Lovecraft, Aleister Crowley and the Illuminati, I knew I'd found my ideal timewaster.

I can also guess at the reason why Hewitt undertook the project: in the hope of garnering publicity for his career (which from looking at his credits on IMDB does not seem to have gone anywhere much). If one appreciates the degree of work it takes to put together just an average hour-and-half DTV flick, one has to give Hewitt some credit for persistence. The most detailed online review of this turkey asserts that Hewitt spent TEN YEARS compiling almost four hours of shot-on-video scenes with amateur actors, while IMDB estimates that his budget might have been about a thousand bucks. IMDB also carries a publicity line about how all of the assorted "actors" had "one degree of" links to Ed Wood. More like "one degree of links to COPS." That's what ROBBERS looks like; endless scenes of people sitting around tacky houses or trailers having meaningless conversations, occasionally interrupted by aliens, who also have a lot of meaningless conversations. The very tenuous connections to PLAN are that (a) head alien Morphea, who seems to be a fellow in drag, claims to be the granddaughter of the original two aliens, and that she's again reviving corpses in order to conquer Earth, and (b) one of the humans opposing Morphea is supposed to be an older version of "Officer Jamey," a support-character from PLAN. He's played by the only professional actor in the troupe, Conrad Brooks, who turned his reputation for having been in six Ed Wood movies into a long-term career of "so-bad-they-might-be-good" DTV movies. To say that he's the best actor in this movie, though, is no compliment. Brooks had about as much competition from the other players as he did from pieces of inanimate furniture.

Here the highlights that I bothered to scribble down:

At one point, some fishermen find a canister on a downed flying saucer. They take the canister for examination to a scientist, who analyzed it with what sounded like a "morphic resonance" machine. Hey, it's one thing to pick on the long-dead Aleister Crowley, but Rupert Sheldrake is still alive!

Since Hewitt must've felt the film needed someone to be his sequel's "Vampira," Morphea takes it into her head to change an ordinary Earth-girl named Lilith (Lara Stewart) into a bloodsucker. This she does with some mumbo-jumbo about a serpentine spirit related (I think) to the Lilith of Jewish legend. Later this action bites Morphea (is her name another Sheldrake reference?) in the ass because Lilith turns on the head alien, beats her down and kills her near the climax.

Aged Officer Jamey (who has in his house a framed photo of a younger Brooks with Bela Lugosi) is joined by various forgettable allies, one being a young policewoman, Mary (Raye Ramsey), whose big scene consists of bitch-slapping some guy-- which was more action that we get from all the desultory zombie-killing moments.

A gypsy fortuneteller utters lines from both THE WOLF MAN and GLEN AND GLENDA.

And finally, Hewitt tries to come up with a few Wood-like malapropisms, the chief one being, "prostitution may be the world's oldest profession, but grave robbing probably runs a close second."

But in truth, Hewitt's homage has nearly nothing in common with the oeuvre of Ed Wood. Wood had a fetish about female clothing and was only able to grind out his dimestore movies thanks to a cast of eccentrics. But in truth his most famous works are very "Hollywood" in the TYPE of stories he told, as opposed to his ability to tell them. To be sure, I've seen none of Wood's porno work, but it looks to me like he did those films to pay his bills, and that he'd much rather have been directing B-westerns. If Hewitt's messterpiece resembles any low-budget auteur's movies, ROBBERS resembles a much longer version of a Ray Dennis Steckler flick. But even this comparison fails to some extent, for the partisans of Steckler (not me) sometimes argue that all the people in his films look like they're having a good time with their schlock. Maybe that was true of the multitudinous members of the ROBBERS cast, or at least of a few, like the two dudes aping the Tarantino hitmen from PULP FICTION. But if so, the performers don't transmit any of their glee to the lens of the camera.