THE INVINCIBLE BARBARIAN (1983)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *metaphysical, sociological*

Online reviews have informed me that there are two English-language versions of this Italian Conan ripoff. Fortunately, I did not re-view GUNAN KING OF THE BARBARIANS, which cuts out not only cuts out the nudity but also the explanatory prologue, but one entitled THE INVINCIBLE BARBARIAN, so that at least I saw all the madness unleashed by director Francesco Prosperi and writer Piero (PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE) Regnoli.

Other reviews also bag on INVINCIBLE as one of the worst of its genre. I might have agreed had I not just re-viewed THE BLADE MASTER, which is far more incoherent. Regnoli's script is a lot like the ones used for Luigi Cozzi's two Hercules films, in which the writer threw out a motley crew of myth-ideas with no attempt to make them cohere. 

The narrator of the prologue unreels a lot of New Age-sounding gobbledygook about the mystical destiny of mankind within what one assumes is some pre-historical version of archaic Earth. The essential point is that the mystical elders beyond the stars are going to send a Star Child who will be born among rude mortals and grow to destroy evil. 

So far, so mythic. However, the prophecy of the Star Child seems problematic. The hero who's born, destined to be named "Zukahn" (in this translation), isn't out to defeat some world-devouring serpent or any similar cosmic threat; he's just fated to destroy Nuriak, who leads a band of nasty raiders, the Hungats, who prey upon the villages. (Nothing more organized than a village is ever seen.) I have to say, if I was going to make sure a Star Child was being born to a tribe of rude mortals, I'd want him to do something more momentous by half.

On top of that, the prophecy is so well known that bandit-king Nuriak decides to do something about it. Regnoli's sequence of events is very confused, but the order of events seems to be that after the woman destined to bear the Star Child is impregnated by her husband, Nuriak manages to get his licks in too. How does he do it without being caught? The old Pendragon shuffle? No telling. But he must have done his business pretty close to the husband's, since in theory that's the only way a female womb can be inseminated twice.

In what may the film's looniest moments, the Elders Above get all pissed by the fact that the mother bears two non-identical twins, because this confuses the order as to who's going to get the sacred name Zukahn, a magic sword, and all that stuff. The Elders withhold their blessing and some bad weather ensues. Then Nuriak decides he doesn't think poisoning the well will prevent his being killed by one of the twins, so his Hungats raid the village and kill everyone. However, the twins are saved and raised in a village of magic-using Amazons, the Kunyats.

Because Kunyat seer Marga understands the reason for the Elders' wrath, the Amazons don't give a name to either of the twins, until one of them can prove he deserves to be Zukahn. So the two boys, Nameless One and Nameless Two, grow up in a fierce and unloving rivalry. When they're old enough to be played by adult actors, they have a big fight, and the handsome, muscular brother (Peter McCoy, as the Italian actor is billed) wins and gets called Zukahn from then on. Nameless Two runs off into the wilds and chances upon the raiders of Nuriak. One might expect that the renegade son might make common cause with the main villain. Instead Nameless Two makes the mistake of claiming that he's Zukahn, so Nuriak cuts his head off. (It's not clear whether or not Nameless Two is the real seed of Nuriak or not, though that would be the expectation, since neither or them is handsome or muscular.)

The real Zukahn finds out about his brother's death, and for some reason this makes him furious, even though there's no evidence the two brothers cared anything for each other. Zukahn tries to attack Nuriak but he's wounded by a raider-arrow and the hero has to crawl back to the Amazons for aid.

While recovering Zukahn makes a brand-new discovery about his adoptive tribe. Since the Amazons don't have husbands as such, they capture breed-worthy girls from other tribes, force them into relations with male captives, and keep the girl babies for the tribe, presumably dumping the males of the litter. Zukahn finds out this news-flash only because he takes a shine to Lenni (Sabrina Siani), one of the new captives, and wants to enter into regular connubial relations with her. This pisses off Marga, who's had a yen for Zukahn for some time. After various other adventures-- including a scene in which Zukahn duels an Amazon and loses-- Marga sends Lenni to Nuriak, so that Zukahn will follow his beloved and get killed. Then apparently Marga changes her mind and leads a bunch of Amazons to the rescue. The Kunyats kill all the Hungats and Zukahn, despite having been told that he's Nuriak's child (really?), slays the bandit chief with his not very miraculous magic sword. Order is restored to the universe and the narrator tells us that someday the sword will be known as Excalibur.

BARBARIAN might have been as fun as the Cozzi HERCULES films if there had been some half decent production values here, but this is so malnourished that even the fight scenes are dull and phlegmatic. The only "special effect" worth mentioning are a few prolonged shots of Sabrina Siani's nude body. "Peter McCoy" does the hero thing adequately, but the lack of good fight-choreography ruins what little potential the script had.