NINE 1/2 NINJAS (1991)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *comedy*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *psychological*

The ninja craze had mostly wound down by the late 1980s, resulting in a smattering of ninja comedies like 1989's NINJA ACADEMY and this oddball combination of ninja-spoof and (very slight) satire of the 1986 erotic drama 9 1/'2 WEEKS. In fact, the parody scenes of WEEKS are pretty much overwhelmed by a non-stop barrage of dopey gags.

NINE is more like a spoof of a typical rom-com, but one where the two leads can take off from their day-jobs indefinitely in order to play ninja games. Endlessly perky young woman Lisa (Andee Gray) is astonished to find that she's going to be evicted illegally from her apartment. She has a meet-cute with tuxedo-wearing mystery man Joe Vogue (Michael Phenicie), who gives Lisa scant sympathy until he learns that he, too, is about to get booted from his precious apartment. Then he declares war on Arnold Gruber, the real estate magnate responsible for the evictions. Gruber, who is implicitly an evil guy even though he doesn't really have an evil plot beyond foreclosures, retaliates by summoning a bevy of goofy ninjas to assault Vogue. For the most part they don't even use that many exotic weapons, but simply keep engaging Vogue (who wears polka-dot ninja gear at one point) with cheesy martial arts. I wondered for a moment if I could count some of the rapid-fire costume changes as some sort of magic, but I decided such tricks were just "fallacious figments" in the naturalistic mode; that is, they just violate natural law because the story says they can.

Anyway, sulky Vogue is obviously attracted to sprightly Lisa, and she to him, but he's been romantically hurt in the past. He prolongs their association by teaching her ninja skills, claiming that she's in danger now that Gruber knows of their association. Lisa never really gets good at fighting, but the sexual tension continues to build between the two of them. One of the ninjas hired to kill Vogue becomes an ally or sorts: Vogue's own mother Gladys (Magda Harout, who plays her character like a nagging Jewish mother). Gladys keeps encouraging Vogue to break down his reserves and commit to love, and if he won't, she'll beat some sense into him.

Since the name of this ninja-game is more or less that of vaudeville-- if you don't like one joke, there'll be another one along in a moment-- I suppose it's silly to fault the film for not making clear just what Vogue's mission as a ninja was, before he got into his tiff with Gruber. Perhaps needless to say, Vogue conquers his foes and Lisa conquers Vogue's reluctant heart.

I found a few random jokes funny, but it was tough sledding getting to them. I will spoil one such gag just because it was rather timely, since NINE came out two years after the 1989 BATMAN. In one mostly tiresome scene, Vogue tries to build up his own cadre of ninja aides. But all of the interviewees are losers, especially one fellow in traditional ninja-gear, except for having little bat-ears on his cowl. Vogue's response: "No. Just-- no."